[personal profile] ofstarsandstone
"I passed a mass," I told my husband. I felt the hard plastic of the chair beneath me, stared through the glass in front of me to the fish swimming through the green water beyond. When I turned my head, I saw he didn't understand. "Earlier today, at work," I added, as though that would elucidate anything. But I couldn't say the words, couldn't make my mouth move over the sounds I needed to speak: 'I think I miscarried.'

We had been trying to get pregnant for a year. I put off going to my doctor for ages, afraid I would be told I couldn't have children at all. When I finally went, she told me I had no "gross physical abnormalities" that would keep me from conception, but that my hormone levels and the cysts on my ovaries probably meant I had poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. The good news was the ultrasound showed a cyst on my ovary, and assuming it actually burst and released an egg (not always guaranteed with PCOS), I might be able to get pregnant if we tried right away.

So we tried. I started planning a trip to Germany and Switzerland with one of my best friends, and was excited to think that I might take my baby with me across the Atlantic. I was late, although late means almost nothing with PCOS. Sometimes my cycle lasts 20 days, sometimes 70. But I hoped, and put off taking a pregnancy test because I didn't want to be disappointed. Then I went to work one morning and my hope died.

A week later, I flew to Europe. In Switzerland, we visited the Jungfraujoch, known as the "Top of Europe." I climbed out onto the observation deck at 11,388 ft above sea level between the peaks of the Monch and the Jungfrau in the Bernese Alps. I watched snow swirl with puffs of cloud, stared down at the valley almost ten thousand feet below, where we started our morning only an hour before.

I remembered the first time I stood on a mountain peak, four years prior in Colorado. A group of friends and I hiked Mt Audobon in the Indian Range of the Rockies. It took us a whole morning and into early afternoon to climb the four mile trail up to 13,233 feet above sea level. The last hundred feet of the mountain was excruciating. I literally crawled up the scree, resting every few moments because my lungs could not take in enough oxygen. But once I reached the summit, I forgot the weakness in my limbs, the burning in my chest, and the twinges of headache. I thought I could see forever; peaks as far as the eye could see, all the way to the Continental Divide. I felt free, standing on top of the world. We ate lunch and any remaining pain and weariness fled. As we descended the mountain, every step held a hidden spring. We sang show tunes and folksongs, told jokes and laughed like madmen. We were alive, and the mountain had proved it to us.

We had taken a cog-train to the Jungfrau. Only an hour's ride to rise ten thousand feet; we expended no effort. We sat comfortably in our padded train seats and watched the amazing Alpine scenery as we passed through the lower tree-lined slopes and up into the rocky, snow-swept heights. Yet standing at the top of Europe, I felt sick. The rapid ascension to the higher altitude and lower oxygen levels brought on nausea and a migraine. Everything we did at the Jungfraujoch was spectacular: standing in the snow-spray of the pass, walking inside the Aletsch Glacier, sitting in a cafe with a bird's eye view of Alpine peaks. I could not concentrate on these wonders, could not feel the exhilaration I felt at Mt Audubon. I just felt sick. I slept the whole train-ride back down the mountain, and the headache lingered until the next day.

When I returned from Europe, my OBGYN started me on hormone therapy. Finally, after over a year of trying, we conceived. To our joy, we did not miscarry a second time. Our son was born in December of 2007, and having him is all the sweeter because of how long and how hard we tried before we could become pregnant.

So I have to remind myself: easy isn't always better. Sometimes having gone through the struggle is what makes the destination worthwhile.

Date: 2009-10-28 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pixiebelle.livejournal.com
Congrats on your son! That is an amazing story and i am glad that it had a happy ending for your family!

Date: 2009-10-28 12:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormkitty.livejournal.com
Sometimes having gone through the struggle is what makes the destination worthwhile.

Yes, this! Congrats on you son!

Date: 2009-10-28 12:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com
My daughter is a similar story - told I probably wouldn't be able to conceive but would need hormone therapy so we didn't think about it any more, and finally she was born in October 2007, naturally. It's a miracle really :) Congrats on your son!

Date: 2009-10-28 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] faerie-spark.livejournal.com
Blessings for your joy. I enjoy the way you weave the struggle to climb a mountain with the struggle to conceive. I am happy for you that both endeavours ended in joy.

Date: 2009-10-28 08:24 pm (UTC)
shadowwolf13: (Default)
From: [personal profile] shadowwolf13
I'm so glad things worked out for you! :D

Date: 2009-10-29 03:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onda-bianca.livejournal.com
Congratulations on your son...:)

Date: 2009-10-29 03:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oneonthefence.livejournal.com
I did indeed think you'd post about this, as it was a journey for the both of you. I'm so glad things worked out the way they did - and that I was there to witness that incredible day. Love you, chica.

Date: 2009-10-29 08:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tamaraland.livejournal.com
So glad things worked out. Great entry.

Given it's in the neighborhood, we go to Interlaken from time to time. I'm always surprised by the number of Indian tourists and never cease to get a laugh at the Bollywood restaurant at Jungfrau.

Date: 2009-10-29 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] comedychick.livejournal.com
After reading this, clicking "Plant a seed" makes me feel like I'm trying to impregnate you. LOL.

I really like the juxtaposition of stories from your life here! It fits well, and helps with the final message. Well done :)

Date: 2009-10-29 06:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] teaberryblue.livejournal.com
I have PCOS too! It is so frustrating to never have any clue when your period is going to come. Fortunately I haven't yet tried to get pregnant or gone through all of that.

I am so glad to hear your story had a happy ending!

Date: 2009-10-29 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] douchejuice.livejournal.com
congratulations! glad this story has a happy ending

Date: 2009-10-29 11:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beautyofgrey.livejournal.com
♥ The struggle helps us appreciate the joys all the more.

Date: 2009-10-30 03:23 am (UTC)

Date: 2009-10-30 04:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brand0new0day.livejournal.com
First of all: Your header for your layout is gorgeous.

Secondly: Virtually the same thing happened to me, in regards to the miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant and one day I just started bleeding out of the blue and passed something clotlike that definitely wasn't a clot. It was shocking and very, very sad. Like you, though, I did have a healthy baby to ease that pain - not much younger than yours! Mine was born in April 2008.

Thirdly: I <3 this entry. :)

Date: 2009-10-30 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jenandbronze.livejournal.com
Beautifully written, and what a joy to be able to have a son be a part of your family despite the struggle to do so.

Great entry.

Date: 2009-10-30 10:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mstrobel.livejournal.com
Perfect last line, so true :)

Date: 2009-10-31 12:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] johnmill79.livejournal.com
Loved what you did with the topic. Very sad to have gone thruogh a miscarriage, I'm sure.

Date: 2009-10-31 06:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solstice-singer.livejournal.com
You are so right. Easy isn't always better. Congratulations on the birth of your son.

Date: 2009-10-31 12:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] battle-kitten.livejournal.com
Nice entry, I really like your description of the journey up the alps.

Date: 2009-10-31 01:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] imafarmgirl.livejournal.com
Great story. It's so true that struggles can make things so much better sometimes.

Funny I have PCOS and rarely think of it.

Date: 2009-10-31 11:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baxaphobia.livejournal.com
Lovely entry. And yay for your baby! Smile!

Date: 2009-11-01 03:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] norda.livejournal.com
An uphill journey indeed. But you were triumphant!

Date: 2009-11-01 11:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] soundscool1.livejournal.com
Wow. Definitely one of my favorite entries this round.

Date: 2009-11-02 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] poppetawoppet.livejournal.com
congratulations! The trip sounded amazing!

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