LJ Idol Entry 1: Empty Gestures

[ofstarsandstone]

This story isn't really true, but it isn't really false.



His hand touched my face, fingers moving across my cheekbone, down over my lips, to my chin. I woke and saw his face through bleary eyes. "Good morning," he murmured, smiling.

"Mrph," I replied. Sleep stole my ability to speak. Instead, I stretched, and felt his hand cupping my hip and sliding down my leg. Curling back up into my favored sleep position on my side, I managed to say, "What time is it?"

"About six thirty," he answered from behind me. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pressed up against my back.

"I don't have to be up until seven," I complained.

"I know," he answered. He ought to know. My schedule hadn't changed from the two years we lived together. "I need to go take a shower," he explained. I knew that, too. His schedule hadn't changed since we broke up three months ago, either. I felt his body against me and I knew nothing had changed.

He moved my hair and kissed my jaw beneath my ear. Every movement so familiar. A choreography rehearsed until thought was removed, until the motions came without conscious intent. A sense memory, a body memory. "Want to get in with me?" he asked.

Rolling over, I looked into his eyes. What was I doing here? This might have been my new bed, in a new room, but I had allowed old fears to climb under the covers with me. "All right," I answered.

We stumbled across the bedroom, into the bathroom. He turned on the water while I pulled towels from the closet. He liked the water very hot, but I let him adjust the temperature anyway. We didn't touch much in the shower. I barely even noticed his naked body except when we changed places to rinse in the too-hot spray. At the end, he kissed me. I kissed him back, but I didn't feel it. I wondered that he couldn't see the melancholy in my eyes. This is why we broke up, I remembered. Because he never saw me.

I let him touch me, let my body wake up beneath his hands. We left a trail of water from the shower back to the bed. I let him fill me, but the emptiness remained.

Later, when he drove away, I sat on the bed and toyed with the sheets. They were twisted, a tangle of hope and need, fighting against the blank white of the mattress.

I smothered them with the comforter.

Comments

[stormkitty.livejournal.com]

*nods* I know this feeling. :(

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Fortunately the relationship/events that inspired this entry are well in the past- six years and counting.

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

Your writing is beautiful.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

:(

Yeah, I think I know where this is coming from.

I love you, chica. Interesting take on the topic, especially if it means what I'm assuming it means (or, I should say, relates to what I think it relates to - I'm flu-ish and not quite coherent, so, apologies).

<3

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think you do.

Love!

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

I've lived through moments like this. Good job capturing that mood.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

I wish no one else had been through this, but I think far too many of us have.

Thank you for the comment!

[johnmill79.livejournal.com]

So short, and yet so profound. You captured the emotion of it with the state of the covers. Nice.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm experimenting with flash fiction- I tend to be EXTREMELY verbose, so this is a change for me.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Nice writing. Very sad, at least to me.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And it is sad, for everyone involved.

[notbatman.livejournal.com]

I liked this. Very well written.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

[pricelessone.livejournal.com]

You have an engaging style. Though I was a bit uncomfortable reading this, I found that I had to finish. Great job!

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

If I may ask, what made you uncomfortable? The intimate emotions? The details of the situation?

Just curious how/why people react to my work. It helps me grow as a writer.

[pricelessone.livejournal.com]

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this. It's actually just a personal taste thing. I don't like reading about people's intimate bedroom moments, etc. But like I said, I enjoyed reading it, because it was written well.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

In this case most of the physical details weren't true. It was the emotional aspect that I pulled from reality. So it's more like a piece of fiction based on my experience rather than relating something that actually happened.

But I'm still glad you liked it. Thank you for your comment!

[scapegoat.livejournal.com]

Great entry! I love that though it is short, it is well detailed and I can picture it. A lot of the entries telling stories are really long and I get lost (and not in a good way). I like this!

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it! Most of my writing is novel-length, so this piece was an experiment for me. I'm hoping that Idol would be good practice in shorter fiction.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

Wow. That isn't easy, but you shared some strong emotions that I could feel every bit of it. I liked your writing style. You have my vote!

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you! The story isn't "true," in that the events never happened that exact way, but the emotions are 100% real.

[shadowwolf13]

I love the beauty of your writing.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[poppetawoppet.livejournal.com]

awww. :(

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it is kind of sad and unfortunate on all sides.

[crimsonplum.livejournal.com]

Strong and amazing. And this?

"I smothered them with the comforter."

Damn.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I worried that last line might be going too far, but it was just the right way to end it.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

So sad but sadly happens more than we'd like to think.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

So sad but all to often true.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is. The relationship that inspired this story lasted much longer than it should have because we were so used to being together and neither of us wanted to admit it should be over. And we played the break-up make-up game several times.

[teaberryblue.livejournal.com]

This was really beautifully written and evocative. I have definitely felt like this before. Thanks.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Thanks for the comment. I love it when people can relate to what I've written, so it's good to hear you did.

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

Wow. What a beautiful story...it tugged at my heart a bit!

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

Whilst it sounds like a less than ideal situation, I really like your writing of this piece. I could picture everything unfolding really well :)

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it. I've been working on balancing showing with telling in my writing (I tend to lean toward telling, which is BAD!), so it's good to hear that you could picture it.

The whole relationship was less than ideal, but on the other hand it provides a goldmine of writing material.

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

Rings true. I've got a wealth of writing material from a "friend with benefits" I had. I have tried putting it in writing, but I am also a bit wary of putting all the details out in the world. So still debating the how to share it.

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Despite how intimate the details are in this story, this particular situation never happened. The physical details are not factual, but the emotional situation is 100% true.

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I might have to do the same. :)

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

excellent entry :)


If I may make one remark: keep the "this story isn't really true ..." either for a footnote or the end or something, but don't put it above your entry - it's a really strong piece and doesn't need an intro :)

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

Thanks! You're right about the "intro." It's really there for most of my flist who might forget to read the subject line and think I was writing about something that actually happened recently. It isn't meant to be part of the story at all- I just didn't want anyone to think "Um, what happened with you and your husband?"

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

LOL yes I can understand that. I personally leave in the middle was is fiction and what is not but generally it's very discernible too haha.

I added you if you don't mind!

[alisandre.livejournal.com]

I don't mind at all! Part of LJ Idol is getting to know new people. ^_^

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

Very, very beautifully written. You say so much and evoke so much feeling in so few words. Really well done.

[thndrstd.livejournal.com]

I really like your writing here. Succinct and concise without losing the feeling. Great job.

[phoenixejc.livejournal.com]

Excellent!

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

Familiarity... even if contempt is not born of it, it can't always be inspirational...

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Well written, very evocative. *hugs*